Right now it's 12:18am and I'm laying in the bed unable to fall asleep [not uncommon for me] but tonight I lay here with sadness and hate for myself. It's happened...I've let myself go [not that I ever had much to "let go", I've never been one of those skinny, pretty people but I've definitely been better than I am now]. I hate myself for the way I look, I mean I really hate myself. Yea pretty much everybody struggles with weight at some point in the life but I feel like that is all my life has been for the past 10+ years, a struggle to love myself. [This is hard...I've barely written anything and there are already tears streaming down my cheeks] I just hate myself, I don't know what else to say. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate who I've become. [Who knew one person could have so much hatred for themself?] It's like it just happened overnight...and I don't know when. I feel like I'm creeping closer and closer to the edge of depression and I can't let that happen [again]. I want to be happy and healthy for Maeleigh [and myself]. I want her to grow up with a Mommy who can play with her outside and not get tired, a Mommy who will play with her at the beach because she is not ashamed to wear a bathing suit, a Mommy who she is not embarrassed of. I want to not be embarrassed of myself. But I don't know what to do. I've tried everything under the sun, all the diets, the meetings, the gym it just doesn't work. I'm lost, I've lost myself. I don't ever care what I wear because everything looks bad. I try to go shopping for new clothes to make me feel better but why do I want to spend money on something ugly? I try to put on make up to make myself feel better but it doesn't work [I mean you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig and that's exactly how I feel] So with that being said...I need help, what kind? I don't know. I just know that I can't do it by myself. I have to lose weight!! I want to lose weight!! I need to lose weight!! I just need someone to help me and tell me what I need to do. I've googled to my hearts content but there are just so many things out there I don't know what's real and what's not. I know somebody has to have been where I am right now. I'm not looking for sympathy or any of that crap, I'm looking for help, help to get where I need to be, where I want to be. Please help me... )*:
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