[i NEED HELP...]

And I don't know what to do. 

Right now it's 12:18am and I'm laying in the bed unable to fall asleep [not uncommon for me] but tonight I lay here with sadness and hate for myself. It's happened...I've let myself go [not that I ever had much to "let go", I've never been one of those skinny, pretty people but I've definitely been better than I am now]. I hate myself for the way I look, I mean I really hate myself. Yea pretty much everybody struggles with weight at some point in the life but I feel like that is all my life has been for the past 10+ years, a struggle to love myself. [This is hard...I've barely written anything and there are already tears streaming down my cheeks] I just hate myself, I don't know what else to say. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate who I've become. [Who knew one person could have so much hatred for themself?] It's like it just happened overnight...and I don't know when. I feel like I'm creeping closer and closer to the edge of depression and  I can't let that happen [again]. I want to be happy and healthy for Maeleigh [and myself]. I want her to grow up with a Mommy who can play with her outside and not get tired, a Mommy who will play with her at the beach because she is not ashamed to wear a bathing suit, a Mommy who she is not embarrassed of. I want to not be embarrassed of myself. But I don't know what to do. I've tried everything under the sun, all the diets, the meetings, the gym it just doesn't work. I'm lost, I've lost myself. I don't ever care what I wear because everything looks bad. I try to go shopping for new clothes to make me feel better but why do I want to spend money on something ugly? I try to put on make up to make myself feel better but it doesn't work [I mean you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig and that's exactly how I feel] So with that being said...I need help, what kind? I don't know. I just know that I can't do it by myself. I have to lose weight!! I want to lose weight!! I need to lose weight!! I just need someone to help me and tell me what I need to do. I've googled to my hearts content but there are just so many things out there I don't know what's real and what's not. I know somebody has to have been where I am right now. I'm not looking for sympathy or any of that crap, I'm looking for help, help to get where I need to be, where I want to be. Please help me... )*:

[DADS & DONUTS]

Yesterday was Dads and Donuts at Maeleigh's school. She was so excited that Daddy got to go to school with her. They had lots of yummy donuts and fruit. Maeleigh was so full she brought most of her snack home because she didn't eat it. I was glad that she ate good because lately [well, since before christmas] she barely eats at all! She's always had periods of time [2-3 days] here and there what she wouldn't really eat but this has been going on forever! I don't know what's going on with her but other than not eating she acts like she is fine. 

Other than that there hasn't been much going on at the Gibson house. The good thing is that Maeleigh is doing awesome wearing her big girl panties and hasn't had a single accident, not even during her naps!! She is still wearing pull-ups at night and she doesn't like them. She tells me that they feel weird but for now she still has to wear them. I'm not really sure how to tackle that one yet. The bad thing is that I'm sick. I thought it was just a cold but it's been going on since Tuesday and I'm still not feeling better. I've been taking OTC meds but they don't do much. It takes like 2 hours for them to start working, then they work for about an hour and then start wearing off and there is still another hour left before you can take more. So, I'm just hoping it is just running it's course and will be gone soon. In the meantime just pray that Maeleigh and Chaz don't get it. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

[iT'S REALLY HAPPENiNG...]

My baby girl is growing up! At every milestone there is a since that your little ones are growing up [I'm sure every mother knows what I'm talking about]. From holding their head up to sitting up to crawling to talking and walking and so on. Well last Wednesday we reached [what I feel] is the last milestone of Maeleigh being my baby. My little girl is officially POTTY TRAINED!!! We are diaper/pull-up free! [well, except for at night, we will tackle that later though.] I just can't believe it! My little girl is wearing big girl panties and not having any accidents, she's growing up...fast! I am so proud of her! We've been trying to do the potty training thing for a while but I've never pushed it. She has always gone here and there but not consistently. So last Tuesday Maeleigh's teacher Ms. Emily asked me if Maeleigh wore big girl panties at home and I told her no and she told me that she ALWAYS goes to the potty at school [which I knew because I haven't put any pull-ups in her bag in months]. So we went home that day and put on her big girl panties...the rest is history! She had an accident the first 2 days but none since then. I can't believe how easy it was, I guess she was just ready this time and she did it like a champ! She is so proud of herself too, she tells everybody that she is wearing her big girl panties. So there you have it folks...my baby girl is officially a big girl! So I'm happy and sad, I love all of these new milestones that she is reaching but they are just confirmation of how big she is getting. Not to mention that she will be 3 years old in less than 4 months! 3!! Where did the past 3 years go? I couldn't tell you.

 

So talking about 3 years ago...it's been that long since it snowed!! Random, I know, but I want some snow!! This was the last time it snowed...

I was 21 weeks pregnant with Maeleigh. So it needs to snow already. I mean its definitely been cold enough and I want to play in it with Maeleigh. The poor child has never seen snow before!

 

So anyway, I just wanted to share about my big girl!! Now I have to start planning her birthday party! [Yes I'm a freak like that and start planning my child's birthday party 4 months ahead of time]

 

Hope everyone has a great week!!

 

 

[THANK YOU]

I just want to thank everyone that has messaged me, commented or talked to me about my last post. It has really helped me. Some things that people have said I had never thought of. Other things have helped me in knowing that what I'm doing is okay and the right thing to do. I have also been told numerous times that it is okay for me to still be grieving [which is something I've really struggled with] so that has really put me at ease that I'm allowed to grieve as long as I need to. Like I've said before, I know it will take time, but all of your kind words and encouragement are really helping me, it's definitely what I have needed. So I just want to say thank you, you have really helped, in my healing and understanding and I really appreciate it.

[THiRD TiMES A CHARM?]

So as you can tell from the dates on the right---> I'm pretty much no good at this whole blogging thing. But here I go again!! People always say that the third times a charm right?? That has yet to be proven but I'm going to test that theory. Plus this is a good way to for everyone to keep up with each other and I personally love reading my friends and family's blogs and I hope that everyone will enjoy reading this one too. So I will go ahead and put my own little disclaimer:

Things on here might not always be pretty, but hey, if you don't like it don't read it. For the most part everything will probably revolve around my beautiful 2.5 year old little girl, Maeleigh Denise. So look forward to that! I promise she is the   most amazing thing ever! You won't be disappointed.

So for my "first" post I will start off with some good and not so good...I'll give you the not so good first and get it out I the way so I can end on a good note.

So...what has prompted my feelings to start this blog [again] is babies. I'm pretty much going to put some raw emotions out here in hopes that they can help someone else or that there is someone that can help me who has been where I am right now. First of all, I just want to say that I have the most amazing, sweet, smart, talented, caring, loving, beautiful daughter EVER!! She makes my life complete and I feel so incredibly blessed beyond words that God chose me to be her mother. I don't know what I would do without her. So this has nothing to do with her, I am thankful for her everyday and she is my whole heart. But with that being said...somehow there is still an empty space in my heart. It's hard to believe that there could still be some emptiness with all of the love I have for my beautiful daughter, my wonderful husband, and my amazing family and friends. I must have a gigantic heart right? But there is still that one place that I don't think will ever be filled. So here's a little preface for those of you who don't know. In April 2013 we found out that we were pregnant, we were ecstatic! Maeleigh was going to be a big sister!! Everything was going good, I had a few things that happened but everything resolved itself and the doctor assured me that since it did that everything was fine. Fast forward to May 14, I had my first doctors appointment and ultrasound. I couldn't wait to see our sweet baby for the first time. I'll save you the details of the u/s and get straight to the point. When I saw our baby and heard its heartbeat I had a rush of relief that everything was okay [all the moms out there know that I'm talking about, that relief you get at every doctors appointment when you hear your babies heartbeat coming out no that little box]. Well needless to say, that since of relief was immediately crushed with a feeling of shock and disbelief. I was told that the baby was in my tube and that there was no way I could continue with the pregnancy. To put it bluntly, I could die. I immediately started sobbing. Thank God for my Mamma being there with me because after I was told that I couldn't really comprehend anything else I was told for the rest of that long day. My doctors appointment was at 1:00pm, at 5:00pm I was headed into surgery at Athens Regional to have my child, with is precious little beating heart, surgically removed from my body. I cried as I was being wheeled all the way down the hall and I remember crying as I was laying on the operating table under those bright lights with my doctor holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay as they put the mask over my face. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. I was told that the surgery went well but to add insult to injury, the pregnancy was so advanced [I was almost 9 weeks] they couldn't save my tube. In short, my "woman parts" only function at 50%. This was a punch right in the gut that came with many questions, what if I can't get pregnant again? What if I do get pregnant and this happens again? [Statistically if you have an ectopic pregnancy the rick of having another one is slightly higher. Real encouraging right?] So for a few days, well lets be realistic, a few weeks, I cried everyday. It was painful to talk about. And to make everything worse this all happened 5 days before Maeleigh's 2nd birthday, and I couldn't pick up anything over 5 pounds for 2 weeks [this obviously includes an almost 2 year old]. All I wanted to do was hold her! I needed her love, cuddles, hugs and kisses to get me through. She didn't understand what was going on but she did understand that Mommy had a boo-boo so she would sit with me and just let me hold her while we watched TV. After a few weeks I was back to normal physically, emotionally not so much. So obviously the first few months were hard but they got better. As my due date, which would have been [should have been] January 2, 2014 approached the sadness slowly crept its way back to the top. I figured that once that day passed I would be better because there wouldn't be anymore anticipation of it. I was wrong. I have good days and bad days still. Sadly, the bad are catching up with the good. That's why I felt like I needed to get everything out, I need to get back to my bad days being few and far in between. Last night Maeleigh was sitting in my lap watching TV as I rubbed her back and played with her hair, I broke down. It hit me, she should have been sitting in my lap holding her baby brother or sister while I helped her feed them because she is such an amazing big sister.  Chaz had no idea what was wrong because I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling [unhealthy I know, yet another reason for this blog, getting my feelings out]. I finally told him what was wrong. [This is the part where I worry about offending people, but here is goes anyway] It seems like everyone I know is pregnant or has just had a baby. I should have been pregnant, I should have a newborn, Maeleigh should have a baby brother or sister, none of that is true. I am absolutely ecstatic for all of my friends who this applies to but I should be one of them, and I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I thought that I had accepted this plan that God has for me and my family, but I haven't. I've tried to tell myself that I have accepted it, but I haven't, I can't, I've tried really hard and it just hasn't happened. I pray about it all the time but I guess it just isn't God's time for me to accept it yet. Maybe he was waiting for me to REALLY get everything out [in hopes that maybe I can help someone else going through something like this] before he really gives me peace, not peace that I have talked myself into, but peace that he, and only he, has given me in my heart. I guess only time will tell. However, I am forever grateful to my amazing and ever faithful heavenly father for blessing me with Maeleigh, some people as not so lucky [hence why I feel bad about posting this, because I have been blessed with one amazing child]. So for now I am taking things day by day and trying to improve my relationship with God and that he can help me overcome this. I know the feelings will never go away, but I have faith that one day they will stay in my heart and mind and not affect my daily life. We tried, obviously unsuccessfully, for 5 months to have another baby. People always say that when you stop worrying about things like this that they will happen so that's what I'm trying to do while we take a break from trying [plus I don't want to be about to pop, have a newborn or go into labor during Trey and Laura's wedding in October. And so far we are 1 for 1, if you didn't know Maeleigh was born on their anniversary, I'm not sure I want it to be 2 for 2. haha.] So on this matter just please keep me in your prayers.

 Whew...sorry that was so long!!

 

Now onto the good stuff, Maeleigh!! I can't even begin to describe my love for this child! I am so incredibly proud of her. She is exceling in school like I never imagined [in part, I'm sure, because of her wonderful teachers]. She learns something new everyday. She knows all of her colors, shapes, ABC's, a lot of her letters [recognizing them and knowing their sounds], days of the week, she can count to 20, she knows the pledge of allegiance, and numerous songs and I'm sure there are a lot of things I am missing but you get the idea of how smart she is. She also says the blessing every time we eat and her prayers at night. She loves church and Sunday school too. We have been blessed with such an amazing church family that truly care about us. Another BIG thing that Maeleigh is doing right now is potty training. She has been doing really good and has her big girl panties on at school today. I can't wait to pick her up and see how she did. But I have no doubt that she as done great! I could go on and on about her but I'll leave you with that and save some stuff for another day.

 

So, that was a lot right? I know. But at least I got a lot out. Hope you enjoyed it [or cried like I did while I was typing it] either way, I hope you at least got something out of it. With that being said, this was my first post of many so get ready to hear about my amazing, crazy life!

 

[Also, I'm going to be working on the whole layout of the blog, I know its got a lot going on right now so bear with me.]